the age of sleep

they always say that you get less sleepy as you get older. even some people of 40 (!) say "you know, I don't need that much sleep longer, I get up earlier now, I sort of wish I could sleep more"
I usually joke about it and wonder when that "age" will come for me. because now it seems that I live in a continuous age of sleep, an era of cruel mornings, endless alarm snoozing and rushed make up. as I am getting older, it only gets worse, my nights are later and later, and mornings more and more difficult. as a kid, I used to be able to roll out of bed on Sunday mornings around 8 or 9 to watch some fairy tale films or cartoons, I took my blanket with me to the tv-sofa, snuggled up, and half slept through the movie. where did I get the motivation... now my weekend mornings don't start until past 11, if I don't have some earlier obligations. and I mean Obligations, that cannot be brushed off. world seems to function according to early risers and morning is the time when i most painfully realize that I am a creature of the night.

can I wake up tomorrow?

in case I haven't mentioned it - I am an escapologist. and I contradict myself at times. I tried out tumblr just to see that it doesn't really fit. I like my job, but don't seem to be able to be productive lately. it s so difficult to define something alive, isn't it.
oh, do I need to vent… to let the steam out. my failures to become successfully anonymous and/or anonymously successful have a reason. they must have a reason. I am bad at structure, even worse at defining my theme, my song, my colour, my favourite tv show and my fragrance. definition is so restricting and finite. after finite it becomes boring, plain and at last - untrue. because my truth will always have that “and…”, that “if…”, that “however…”. and that is not a good definition. so why define, why be good at it? why strive? 

kitty from here

because definition is required. continuity is definition, regularity is definition, consistency is definition. definition good, uncertainty - bad. that is how we operate as a society. hell, that is how I operate too. when I watch annoying episodes of SATC or GA, where people don’t define although it is all clear. I am all for clarity, clearly defined relationships, clear rules. clear. good - bad. and I cannot be good in my own book if cannot conform to this. and I never will be able to be defined, clear cut and finite. I am me. life is not tv, and life online is a buffet - I can be as finite as I wish to be. does that mean I am dishonest? yes, I am selective. selectively undefined, thus more true to myself. it makes things complicated, it makes things messy, it discourages to continue. and then I fail. again and again. but does that stop me? hasn’t stopped yet… I want to explore and try to define. define parts, put them together, take them apart and reconstruct. I want to play, still. forget the failure, forget the impossibility of definition. because how else am I supposed to go on?

in a few hours I will get into a green car and be off to RIX. there is no agenda this time, but I know I will ache. just a little. like people who want children ache when they look at a toddler. but having no agenda makes it a bit easier, it welcomes pleasant surprises. I have just decided to be. just like that.

a word for Saturday

Your Word is Destiny

You are self confident and sure of yourself. You overlook your flaws... everyone has them. You are able to let go and just enjoy life. You feel like there's only so much you can control. When you set your mind to it, you can accomplish almost anything. You just need to believe in yourself. You are destined for greatness, but you don't let it go to your head. You just let life happen.

What's Your Word Right Now?

Blogthings: Discover the Parts of Your Personality that Have Been Hiding

 

the day of Saturn - the most structured and disciplined of the planets, yet, I feel like going with the flow. I have embarked on my project-vacation. at last! letting the time happen.

keep the rhythm

Today as I was sitting in the t-bus (or troll, as I say), and it accelerated from the stop just to halt again before a red light, I gazed out of the window, aimlessly. The radio was on, quite loudly and I noticed a passer by, a young woman, whose steps coincided exactly with the beat of the rather common song on the radio. and I felt like witnessing something special, like discovering a secret that last only for a moment and then is gone. her steps were made for this song and the song was tailored and timed so perfectly to her steps. yet she didn't hear the radio. and the driver had most probably not seen her on the pavement. and it doesn't matter that all this can be calculated and demistified in a most rational way. for that little moment I felt that there is always a song that matches our footsteps, even if we don't hear it, it is playing somewhere and or feet know it. and the song knows that somewhere we walk, strut, shuffle and prance its rhythm.

watermelons, raindrops and contentment

Today was a half crazy day at work, too little sleep, too much pressure and  slightly more chit chat that I like to take with my daily cup of vitamin B "ready for work". but on the way home a revelation occured to me - I still have about 1/3 of a watermelon in my fridge at home. and believe it or not, watermelon is a great remedy on a day like this, when everything is fine and ok, yet something gnaws from within, a bruised ego voices itself and that little bat of frustration flaps its wings merrily by your ear. yes, I had some watermelon, finished some writing, took a nap et voilá! a whole new person.

too rainy today to take any pictures ouside, so - the choice is obvious.

watermelons found here

watermelon. watermelon stands for contentment, refreshed senses and that little something that makes one bite one's lip. just a tad.