Wednesday, 18 April 2012

can I wake up tomorrow?

in case I haven't mentioned it - I am an escapologist. and I contradict myself at times. I tried out tumblr just to see that it doesn't really fit. I like my job, but don't seem to be able to be productive lately. it s so difficult to define something alive, isn't it.
oh, do I need to vent… to let the steam out. my failures to become successfully anonymous and/or anonymously successful have a reason. they must have a reason. I am bad at structure, even worse at defining my theme, my song, my colour, my favourite tv show and my fragrance. definition is so restricting and finite. after finite it becomes boring, plain and at last - untrue. because my truth will always have that “and…”, that “if…”, that “however…”. and that is not a good definition. so why define, why be good at it? why strive? 
kitty from here

because definition is required. continuity is definition, regularity is definition, consistency is definition. definition good, uncertainty - bad. that is how we operate as a society. hell, that is how I operate too. when I watch annoying episodes of SATC or GA, where people don’t define although it is all clear. I am all for clarity, clearly defined relationships, clear rules. clear. good - bad. and I cannot be good in my own book if cannot conform to this. and I never will be able to be defined, clear cut and finite. I am me. life is not tv, and life online is a buffet - I can be as finite as I wish to be. does that mean I am dishonest? yes, I am selective. selectively undefined, thus more true to myself. it makes things complicated, it makes things messy, it discourages to continue. and then I fail. again and again. but does that stop me? hasn’t stopped yet… I want to explore and try to define. define parts, put them together, take them apart and reconstruct. I want to play, still. forget the failure, forget the impossibility of definition. because how else am I supposed to go on?

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